I met Anoeska through the coaching training we both completed. She is a mom of two: Indy, nearly 16, and Nikita, 13. Indy has autism. Something you would never know from looking at him.
“Nobody believed me.”
She described how Indy presented differently at home than he did at school or in public. How he could hold it together all day, only to fall apart the moment the front door closed. How she tried to explain this to teachers, to other parents, to everyone around her. And how, time and again, she wasn’t believed.
“Because you can’t see it when looking at him.”
That phrase echoed throughout our entire conversation. It speaks to something that many people living with invisible differences know all too well: the exhaustion of constantly having to prove your own reality. Of raising your voice louder and louder for something that feels, to you, as obvious as breathing. Because you know your child.
The diagnosis as a tool, not a goal
What struck me about Anoeska is how remarkably clear-headed she is about the diagnosis itself. Not indifferent, but grounded.
“That diagnosis still doesn’t matter to me,” she said. “What matters is that he can get the right help. That he can be his best self.”
She pushes back against the idea that seeking help requires an official label. Yes, the diagnosis opens doors: at school, with external support, in conversations with others. But it’s a means, not an end. And that distinction feels important in a world that’s very quick to categorise.
What family coaching really looks like
Early on in their journey, Anoeska and her husband Jasper connected with a family coach. And what that coach did was something that has made all the difference: she brought the whole family in.
Not just Indy, but the family as a system.
They played games together. They reviewed situations as they’d unfolded. The parents received coaching separately, without the children, around the patterns they themselves brought to the table. And Anoeska found herself seeing things she’d never allowed herself to see before: taking over too much, hovering too closely, doing things for her kids that they were perfectly capable of doing themselves.
“When you don’t stop to reflect, you just keep going,” she said. “Because you have no choice. No matter how hard it is, you keep going.”
I think so many people live exactly there. Just keeping going. Because stopping doesn’t feel like an option.
The lesson that applies to all of us
Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, Anoeska said something simple that summarises the whole episode:
“If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of anyone else.”
She said it as if it were obvious. But for her, that insight came at the end of years of navigating, falling, and getting back up. That same family coach literally told her: think about yourself too. Make time for you and Jasper. The family only functions well when you do.
It sounds almost like a cliché. But for many parents, and really for anyone who carries responsibility for others, it’s a lesson that has to be learned again and again.
Openness as a foundation
Running through the entire conversation is a thread of openness. Anoeska and Jasper made the choice early on to be transparent: with the school, with their community, with their children. They always told Indy and Nikita: you are who you are, and that’s okay.
That stance cost them something at times. But it gave them something back: less explaining, more communicating. Less defending, more connecting.
“Openness is just very important to us,” she said. And it shows.
Go listen
This blog post is only a glimpse of a conversation that’s far richer than I can capture in words. Anoeska also talks about the role of medication: how she was initially against it, and what changed her mind. About how her daughter Nikita finds her place in a family where a lot of attention goes to her brother. And about her own work coaching people with autism and their families.
Even if autism isn’t part of your world, this conversation is worth a listen. Because at its core, it’s about something universal: how you stay true to yourself and your family when the world doesn’t always make it easy.
Listen to the episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Search for Louk on Life.